Premarital sex: Flex or stress?

BY TOBI YUSUF

I have heard people tell me how they had sex with their spouse on the first day they met each other. They say, “Oh, Tobi, you need to see how intense our chemistry was when we laid eyes on each other, it just felt right to get between the sheets and worry about whether he/she is Mr or Mrs Right or Wrong later.” In some cases, it turned out the partner was not the best fit and such persons had to repeat the cycle and thereby ended up sleeping with multiple people before they met the right partner.

In a similar vein, I have also heard of couples who waited till marriage to have sex yet the union did not last. This begs the question, does premarital sex matter?

As a Christian, my answer is “Yes”, premarital sex does matter. Despite society’s attempt to trivialize sex, we must not undermine the sacredness that sexual unions represent. It is worrisome to see how an act, sometimes referred to as a “communion”, has been turned into a triviality. Many even find it odd to hear anyone say they will only have sex after marriage. They would ask, “How will you know you are sexually compatible with the person? What happens when you get married and there is no chemistry between you two?” A few others believe that it is only impotent men or partners who have something to hide that will ask you to defer sex till after marriage. Because of this, the body count of some is higher than their ages while others have permanently damaged egos and minds because someone “did them dirty.”

I cannot deny the importance of sexual compatibility in marital relationships, but at the same time, it is not advisable to hide under wanting to test sexual compatibility and in the process have scores of sexual partners under your belt. Truth be told, breaking up with somebody with whom you have not mixed bodily fluids is a lot easier than the other way around. The baggage of regrets that comes with emotional, financial and other investments in romantic relationships is already big enough, it, however, becomes crippling when sexual investments are included. Imagine going all the way to satisfy someone in bed but eventually losing them. Is it not just better to avoid needless heartaches?

One of the reasons people engage in sex before marriage is because they fear that refusing their partner will make them leave or otherwise discontinue the relationship. What they do not realise is that any man or woman who compels you to “sleep” with them will look for alternatives because sex is not, and can never be enough to hold a person down. More interestingly, these partners who are more unserious than not, may begin to act up, showing signs of jealousy to the point of harming their mates due to unfounded claims of infidelity, something they are oftentimes guilty of.

Interestingly, being celibate in a relationship is possible. Some people marry early because they do not want to compromise on the issue of premarital sex. Others have exited relationships due to their partners’ insistence on sex. What you decide will depend on what your values are.

But Tobi, what about people who wait till marriage to have sex and still get jilted by their spouses? Or how about people who find out their spouses are impotent or have some other sinister sexual secrets after marriage? This is where I sound the caveat that waiting to have sex after marriage does not immune your relationship from problems. Every union will face its challenges which may or may not be linked to sex, what matters thereafter is what the individuals involved do about their challenges. Men or women who keep harmful secrets about their sexual health have character defects that extend beyond the secrets they are keeping, and the way forward in such cases is to look for workable solutions.

Wanting to avoid rude surprises should not give us the leeway to engage in premarital sex over and over. Have you ever thought that having premarital sex will not exempt you from sex-related challenges later in your marriage, rather it exposes you to unnecessary risks such as STIs/STDs, abortions and heartaches?

In summary, although society has turned the sacredness of marriage – sex – to flex through encouraging indiscriminate premarital sex, yet, when we weigh the pros and the cons, the cons far outweigh the pros. My counsel is for all singles to prioritise their mental health and safety from today onwards and shun premarital sex.

Do you have a contrary opinion on this subject? I would love to hear from you.

Tobi Yusuf is the founder of RIAH Events & Weddings, Relationship Mentor, convener of Love Connect – a community empowering couples and singles to build meaningful connections.