I must commend the brilliant way you have responded to people’s questions so far. I have a serious issue on my hand right now and it has to do with my mother inlaw. It seems she is bent on distrupting my marriage because she feels offended that her son married someone that is not from her tribe. She complains about everything I do and I think I have respected her enough. A couple of my friends have asked me to confront her and put the matter to rest once and for all but I feel like talking to you. I have issued an ultimatum to my hubby to choose between his mum and me because I can’t understand why his mother would not mind her business.
Jemimah I – Abuja
The first thing I’d say to you is that you have no business issuing an ultimatum to your husband because the love between a mother and a son is not something that you can just wish away depending on the history between the two of them. You can’t expect a son whose mother slaved and gave her all to send through school and groomed to become a desirable man that you found attractive to marry give up that same woman because he married a lady?
Truth be told every mother have a choice of who they thought their child should marry so from day one you would be fighting a battle to win her over and that battle can be won with wisdom as against confrontation. If you were in her shoes it is not impossible you’d do the same because people are doing the best they can with what they know. So instead of trying to separate mother and child why not try to create a win-win situation whereby you win her over while still having your man to yourself. So here is what I usually recommend to most of my clients in your shoe when it comes to dealing with your mother inlaw(you can order for the complete e-book)
P- Praise her consistently even when you feel there is nothing praise worthy about her
R- Readily respond respectfully to her intentions. Find a way to discover her needs and meet them ahead of time.
A – Acknowledge her input and impact even if you feel there is nothing to acknowledge. For example you can approach her to teach you a local soup or teach you her dialect and praise her to the high heavens
I – Invest in her because a man’s gift will surely make a way and speak ultimately
S – Serve your way into becoming her favorite because she has her expectations about you and you must show her you are a different specie.
E – Exceed her expectations in everyway. What this means is think of what she would never have imagined you do and deliver it the way that would wow her.
I want you to know that the above works if you do it consistently. There is no human being that can’t be won over if the right strategy is deployed. God bless you.
Help! My wife is on the verge of ruining my life
I’d go straight to the point because I am tired of this woman who is bent on running me down. My wife doesn’t want to hear that I am broke. She would nag me till I fork out whatever she is asking for. Infact she must finish any money I make once she sees it and I am considering keeping what I earn from her. Sometimes I tell her that we should consider a cheaper vacation but she keeps insisting we must travel to the US and the UK annually and that the kids must attend the best schools. I am struggling big time and don’t know how long I can keep up with this. It has taken a lot for me to cry for help but when I read how you handled people’s issues last week on this site I decided to send this mail.
The first question I’d like to ask is how did you meet your wife and what did you do to win her heart? If it was your gifts and ability to spoil her bad that made her accept your proposals then you can take a second look at yourself and blame yourself for setting the precedence.
Having said that it is looking like communication in your marriage is not effective because from your question I am not sure you guys have sat back to draw up a master plan for your future and how you intend to create a family economy that is not dependent solely on your earnings and that makes me wonder what happens should you lose your present job?
I’d suggest you sit her down and let her see what the future holds if you continue at this rate and I can tell you for free that if you don’t master your finances and secure your future the two of you may need to look for a job and keep working in your old age. So here are my suggestions:
- Sit with her and show her a picture of your future together
- Help her understand the price that must be paid to secure that future and ask her to choose between a present of bliss and a future of pain or the other way round
- Start a family budget where provision is made for everything and ensure 20-30% of your earnings go into an escrow account that is dedicated to funding assets whose ROI can take care of your future
- Cut down on your luxuries and secure the future of your kids
- Find a way to play cashflow 101 with your spouse(you can send a mail) so that you can see your spending patterns and discover your current snapshot and how to navigate from where you are into creating a future
- The more prudent person must become the family EFCC to ensure that funds are not misappropriated and please stand by your financial decisions.
One more thing I’d like to ask is if she works and what she does with what she makes? If she is a full time housewife it might just be the right time to get her a job so that she learns the discipline of earning and am sure that should help her. However if nothing changes after applying the above principles you might need to come around with her for a proper counseling because it is not impossible that she has a past that has altered her perception about money and spending.
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