What love does your relationship need?

BY TOBI YUSUF

In a previous post, I touched briefly on the types of love – philia and agape – among others. As I ruminated further, I thought it important to go into more detail on this subject to talk about what type of love you need to sustain your marriage/relationship.

While I know that philia and eros love are necessary for every relationship, I also strongly believe that love from above (agape) is the greatest and the most essential ingredient to build a lasting marriage. As Apostle Paul eloquently stated in I Corinthians 13:13b, “…but the greatest of these is charity.”

Bringing this to marriages and relationships, it is so easy to be swept away by the fuzziness of eros, which can be temporal and sometimes dependent on physical things such as beauty, wealth, intellect, etc. as with all temporal things, beauty, wealth and knowledge can disappear or fade away and homes built on such soon get onto shaky ground. I think this is the reason for the failure of many homes today: the temporal love finishes/fades and the individuals involved do not see any reason to keep holding on.

Nike Ogunlesi, the CEO of Ruff ‘n’ Tumble, at a woman’s conference organized by Dabira Women some years back said, “Make your decision and stand by it because you will need that resolve when doubts come, and you begin to question the rationale behind your decision.” In other words, no matter how much in love you are with the love of your life, a time will come when you look at them and ask yourself why you chose them (I talked about this briefly in my first article here). The love you are so sure you’d share for life may elude you at that moment to test your loyalty to each other. Can your love stand this test?

You see, in my thirteen years of marriage, I have found out that although romantic relationships thrive by erotic love and philia love, they are not sustained by the same. This is where and why you need agape love. Agape draws on forgiveness, long-suffering, equity, and selflessness that all draw ultimately from the love of God. When your partner goes beyond eros and philia and adds agape love to what they share with you, it becomes more difficult for them to stay angry with, hurt, or abandon you. They can see beyond your “goodness” to the goodness of God and they consciously decide to walk the rough road with you, choosing you over and over again. The same happens when you choose to do the same with your partner.

So, whether you are married/in a relationship or not, in addition to the erotic and philia love, embrace agape love, the love that trusts and patiently waits to the end. Also, rather than continuously weighing your partner’s heart and intentions on a scale to know how much love they are giving and whether you are the one giving the most, focus on loving them wholeheartedly instead.

This is the formula for building a long-lasting relationship.

Tobi Yusuf is the founder of RIAH Events & Weddings, Relationship Mentor, convener of Love Connect – a community empowering couples and singles to build meaningful connections