[SISI WENDY] Sex and 9 other questions to ask before you say 'I do'

There is nothing as joyful as the realisation that you are about to marry the love of your life and the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. The best moments are the moments just before the wedding, the hours counting down to the big day, the minute you say ‘I do’ and the sweet thought of forever. However, calm your vibrant nerve and ask yourself one question: ‘Is it just about the wedding?’ There are a lot of things to consider before you take that next step of being with your soul mate forever and you owe it to each other to ask these 10 questions — to ensure that there aren’t any glitches later on in the marriage.

Big wedding or a small wedding? As you take steps into being an official couple, this will be one of the first joint decisions you would make together. Most have a different approach as to how they want their wedding to pan out. Growing up as kids, we’ve always dreamt of a perfect wedding: some had the dream of a princess-like wedding, while most envisaged a little wedding by the beach with only family and friends. You both would have to meet each other at the middle or one would compromise for the other assuming both of you have a different need. When this is settled, the next decisions will fall into place. Decisions such as the wedding dates, venue, financing of the wedding preparations and catering. Going through this phase swiftly though not as easily but with understanding will guarantee a better outlook when you’re both official.

A place to live? This in a way is one of the most neglected questions of all time. Many get married and end up staying in their parents’ house for a while before looking for a place of their own; many are only moved by inconvenience and not necessarily need. Be sure to not overindulge if your finances do not agree with it. There’s nothing wrong with starting small after the wedding because a lot of that fiancé had already been poured into the ceremony. It is expected that you become economical with your expenditure and decisions.

How close are you to your parents? A lot of people get married and end up having their marriage being controlled by their parents. It could work both ways so their isn’t a particular trend but most will argue it comes more from the man’s angle especially pertaining to the next item on the list- children. Most cases are that of mama’s boys in which they are literally still attached in all forms of way – emotional and otherwise – so much that they seem helpless and dependent. Some even have their parents come live with them in their matrimonial home. It is a delicate question to ask so it must be asked with caution and care. But it must be asked so as to avoid your marriage remote controlled by the parents of your spouse.

What are your financial priorities? Money is one of the foremost reasons a marriage eventually ends. As much as both of you are now married and have become one, your personalities don’t exactly automatically merge into place and become one. You both came into the marriage with your different approach to things – while one might be the extravagant life enjoyer, the other might be a lot more reserved and firm believer in the merits of keeping a nest egg. A lot of financial decisions are going to be made in the marriage so except you both figure out how to balance your needs and wants and adopt the necessity of a scale of preference, there is going to be some major rocking of the marital boat.

Allowing your partner’s parent to cohabitate? We all know what happens when a parent of either spouse comes to live in the matrimonial home with newly weds. It is always a disaster. Most times the decision is agreed upon so as to avoid a major argument not necessarily out of the desire of the heart. The extent to which you are going to let your partner’s family be part of your marriage is yet another issue which needs to be thought properly about. This may not only take the form of having them stay at your place from time to time but also various kinds of emotional and financial assistance that your partner may want to give his/her parents, siblings and even friends. Decide before marriage to what extent are you willing to go and no further.

When do you want to have kids? Seeing your newly wed partner fantasising on having kids or finding everyone that passes by with a kid adorable is a clear message being passed as to the idea of having kids and enlarging the family. Now for some, family planning is immediately adopted following the wedding but eventually this decision is revisited and the thought of enlarging the family comes into play. The decision to have kids or have them sooner or later has to be decided before you take any step to spending the rest of your lives together.

Where or who would we spend the holidays? Believe it or not, the holidays pose as a major issue when the time comes. As newly weds, the thought of either spending time alone together for your first Christmas or Easter or New year or Sallah has to be decided upon as against spending it with family. And then spending it with family brings up questions of whose family to spend it with, his or hers? It might not necessarily be such an issue but chipping it in before hand gives you a prior idea of how important it is to your partner. You would get a head start as to if he/she is fanatic about spending it with his/her family or if he/she hates being around relations during the holidays.

All past relationships null? Boundaries are important now that you both are going to be joined as one to stay together forever. A lot of people are indifferent when it comes to what is appropriate and acceptable in a committed relationship. Meeting up with an ex for lunch might either be frowned upon or be accepted indifferently by a spouse. Whichever it is should be discussed way before hand and necessary boundaries should be set before any other step is taken.

How important is sex to you? Sex is very important in a marriage but then it depends on a lot of things, hence the need to ask the question. Sex might be consistent and good before marriage but would take a downward spiral once you both are finally married simply because of the responsibilities and other needs to be met. The sex life of both or either partners tends to suffer a bit when this happens and complains follow suit because to some sex is their own way of bonding after a long day at work and not necessarily talking but if that doesn’t come through, a certain level of distance happens. Lack of it for a while might even result to suspicion of infidelity. So having a frank discussion on how often your partner likes to do the deed but also where, when and how he/she likes to get it on.

Are you religious? A couple recently got divorced because both had different views on religion and one wouldn’t succumb to the other’s desires as to the religious house to attend. Religion is a very important aspect of a marriage and must be sorted out before plunging.