With men, everything is obvious, including the arousal. However, there are arousals and then, there are arousals. You will be surprised that just like you, even your partner has varying degrees of arousals. It is not just an on-off switch.


At least a considerable majority of guys, end up literally ‘studying’ the female anatomy and physiology in order to get you that elusive orgasm. We try to hunt for the G spot, many times, unsuccessfully.

However, we do not give up. How many of you can claim of doing the same – trying to find out what works for your man? I do not blame you though – showing up naked works out pretty well.

Granted, an erection is an indicator of arousal. However, that does not mean that your man is fully aroused. In fact, in the seven levels of arousal, erection would just indicate the second.


The seven levels of arousal in men

Before I proceed, what follows is not based on scientific findings. It is more of a collective knowledge after speaking with fellow dads. Turns out, there are about 7 levels of arousal. And they are based loosely on the word, AROUSAL.

A – The most basic level of arousal, the man thinks about something that turns him on and his mind accords to it or becomes ready for it.


R – When the mind gives an okay, your partner’s body responds to it. You will notice it by a change in his breathing, a slight increase in the body temperature, and an erection. As I said, the erection may come pretty early on the scale of arousal.

O – He may be erect, but the next step is when he opens up. That is when he is thinking about mutual pleasure.

U – This is followed by an urgency to have sex. In most couples, this is where the foreplay ends and the actual act begins, and sadly ends. However, there is merit in waiting a bit longer and arousing him even more.

S – The next step is when the man slows down. He understands that there is fun in waiting even more and continuing with an amount of foreplay. Or if you are already having sex, if you press the right buttons, he will not rush towards the finish line, increasing the pleasure for both of you.


A – Agony is the sixth level of arousal. In this phase, men who have not already ejaculated would do so. However, this is not the ultimate level of arousal in men.

L – The last level. People who practice tantric sex confess of an almost spiritual experience at this level of arousal in men. You understand the meaning of life and all the existence in the brief few seconds of ultimate pleasure.

How to get to the ultimate level of arousal

There is more than one good news here. To start with, your man is probably unaware/has never experienced levels 2 onwards. And secondly, he needs you to reach that level, unless he is planning to go to the Himalayas and practice the art of self-discovery. What that means is, suddenly, you have a chance to be the goddess he will worship for all eternity, and not just because you chose to be with him.


The key is simple – try and appeal to all of his senses – sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch. I will touch upon the erogenous zones in a separate article, but for now, let’s go with the ones that you already know about. Essentially, you don’t have to do anything different. Just do things differently. Just one small thing – you cannot do it all in 5 minutes. So choose a day when you don’t have to get up early, or just wake up early and enjoy morning sex.

So, here is how you arouse your partner so that he enjoys it to the fullest!

  1. Simulate his nose. Take a soaking bath and use some scents that will go naturally with your own bodily scents. Guys love citrus and ocean scents. If possible, stay away from floral ones – they do not blend naturally with human apocrine secretions.
  2. Next step – appeal to the vision. If you are self-conscious about your body and love to switch off the lights, you are depriving your man one of his senses. Guys are simple. Lace and shiny things are appealing. If you have not yet lost all the post-partum weight, choose darker colours. If you are a petite person, use lighter colours. Dress in layers, and undress as you proceed like you have all the time in the world.
  3. Taste – Encourage your partner to explore you with his tongue. If he is receptive, guide him by telling him what you want him to do. If he is not, your sounds will guide him. If he is not comfortable to go down on you, you can use flavoured lubes. Just the act of arousing you is going to arouse him.
  4. Touch – Use your fingertips and nails to good use. The inner thighs, scrotum, the dorsal aspect of the penis, and glans are really sensitive to touch. A few dads that I talked to told me about the clever use of satin by their partners. Just a rule of thumb here – be gentle. Avoid teeth, especially on the glans.
  5. Hearing – to take it to the next level, don’t suppress the sounds. Don’t wake the house, or fake anything, but be sincere in responding to his ministrations. If he is okay with it, try talking dirty, or just tell him what is working.

While you’re at it, don’t rush into anything. Passion does not mean just tearing each other’s clothes. Wait till your partner is past the urgency stage and then have sex. I am sure you will never go back to the same old boring sex again!

This article was first published on AfricaParent.com


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