“Police is your friend,” an officer would proudly say.

“Go tell that to the marines,” is the likely reply he would get anywhere outside a police station.

We are now outside a station, specifically at Maryland junction, where the men-in-black/blue/camouflage/orange are going about their ‘duties’.

Some are controlling traffic but our ‘specimen’ for experiment are those flagging down vehicles and asking for their particulars and other ‘things’ of interest.

We spot a rather cheerful one in their midst and conclude he would be our ideal Man Friday – the one to tell us the reason for the seeming animosity between the police and the policed. We are right.

Note: We narrowed our ‘research topic’ to altercation during ‘stop and search’ for ease of…writing!

So, here are the six things you do that annoy a police officer on ‘stop and search’.

NO ‘HELLO’ OR ‘HI’

If we stop you for routine check while driving or walking, we don’t like you calling a so-called superior officer of ours on the phone. The worst part is handing us the phone to continue a conversation we didn’t initiate. Imagine this awkward chat:

So-called Superior Officer: Yes, who are you please?

Me: Who are you too, please SIR?

SSO: It seems you want to lose your job. Do you know who you are talking with?

Me: I don’t know; that’s why I’m asking SIR?

SSO: The person you are harassing…

Me: (cuts in) Harassing? I’m just doing my job…

SSO: (cuts in) Which job? The job you are about losing? My friend, will you release him immediately before I call Alausa?

Me: Ok sir. Ok sir.

I hand over the phone as well as your incomplete papers. You smile but I know it deserves a punch in return. Who am I to do that in broad daylight? I mark your face and car, though.

USE, MISUSE, AND ABUSE OF ‘ESPRIT DE CORPS’

You, a bloody civilian, just blurt out those words ‘Esprit de Corp’ once we flag you down. You are not a police officer. Neither are you in the navy, army, or air force. You are not even in the civil defence or boys scout. Perhaps I could forgive you if you are a staff of LASTMA!

“Esprit de Corps, Esprit de Corps,” you look so learned and educated yet you don’t know the meaning of the words.

Let me educate you.

When we say those words, we are referring to the common spirit existing among members of a group that inspires enthusiasm, devotion, and strong regard for the honour of the group. It’s like feelings of loyalty, enthusiasm, and devotion to a group among people who are members of the group.

You and I are not in the same category, sorry, group.

GALLANT MOPOL AND OTHER FUNNY BANNERS AND STICKERS

Related to the point above are the funny banners and stickers you hang on your front mirror and windscreen.

Gallant Mopol! Navy! Army! They announce.

Sometimes, we are magnanimous enough and listen to your explanation that the vehicle actually belongs to your father’s uncle’s son in the army, but most times, you allow your ‘Gallant Mopol’ to intoxicate you with Dutch courage and challenge our ‘audacity to stop’ you.

That’s when we remind you that you are a bloody civilian after all!

‘DON’T YOU KNOW I AM A LAWYER’ AND OTHERS WHO KNOW THEIR RIGHTS

“Don’t you know I’m a lawyer? I know my rights and if you infringe on my rights, I’ll sue you. Sue the IG; sue the federal government.”

We have no problem with you being a lawyer or knowing your rights as a citizen of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

In fact, we love relating to learned gentlemen and women who have a copy of the 1999 Constitution resting above their dashboard. It shows you read and we know readers are leaders.

What we don’t like is you acting ungentlemanly; screaming like a drug peddler in a commercial bus just to pass your message across. We love your energy but we believe it can be put to better use – like in the courtroom.

TOUCH NOT MY ANOINTED

…and do yourself no harm!

Sorry, for corrupting Ist Chronicles 16:22, but it best explains how I may react if you go beyond using your speech organs in our interaction.

It’s so disrespectful touching an officer on the chin, shoulder, waist, wherever, just because you want to buttress your point.

I could choose to ignore your insults, stare, and any other ‘tactic’ you adopt as survival mechanism while with us.

I won’t ignore your touch.

IT IS MY OFFICE FOR PETE’S SAKE

However you view it, I’m in my office when on the road and you must respect my office, notwithstanding that it’s on the road.

When you go to a bank, do you fill deposit slip when withdrawing cash?

When you go to a hospital, do you prescribe drugs and injection that the doctor and nurse will administer on you?

Why then do you treat my office with contempt? Why can’t you obey simple instructions?

What’s difficult in comprehending: ‘’Can I see your vehicle particulars?’’

You know your vehicle insurance has expired, so why wait until you are asked?

We are here to serve you and believe me: ‘’Police is your friend.’’

Let’s have your views for or against the police, the opinion of our Man Friday on this topic. But we won’t be satisfied with: “Go tell that to the marines.”