Ready-made or love-made?

BY TOBI YUSUF

A few weeks ago, the Nigerian celebrity fashion designer Veekee James came under fire for a post she shared on social media. In the seemingly “innocuous” post, Veekee had posted a lovey-dovey video of herself and her husband with a caption counselling viewers not to set unnecessarily lofty standards for the type of person they would marry, referring to her husband who “supposedly” does not have it all.

Her post triggered varied reactions, with many deducing that Veekee was advising ladies to settle for less than they. Moreover, they saw it as a way of Veekee belittling her man and showing herself off as the breadwinner of the family.

As I read through the numerous views that followed her post, I remembered the age-old argument about whether a man’s current income should be a woman’s primary criteria for marrying him or whether the man’s earning prospects should be the priority. The general attitude to this is that of “Who wan suffer?” or “I no come to this world to suffer?” as Tiwa Savage puts it. But should it really be so?

In answering this question, I will draw on personal experience. My marital journey with the LOML didn’t start on a financially great note at all. I was a UK citizen when I met my husband whose visitor visa had expired at the time. Although I had the support of family and friends and even a part-time job as a student, it was not as easy for him. This choice stared me in the face many times and even saddened our hearts – his and mine – when I needed something but he “could not,” not “did not” have enough to give it to me at the time.

On one particularly unforgettable occasion, I had wanted to buy my first car which cost about 200 pounds. I was short of a few pounds and had asked him to help me raise some money, but he couldn’t. I was very sad and even missed out on buying that car. Note, that I said I was sad, not bitter. We thereafter got married, after which he returned to Nigeria because he did not have his papers yet. For well over a year, I would support my man, send him money all the way from the UK until he could find his feet. Long story short, he came back to the UK, started his business and today, the rest, as they say, is history.

Dear reader, today, my husband is far better financially than those times when he was frustrated he could not give me all he desired, and that I needed. Now, all I need to do is ask, and I have whatever I desire, no matter how great or small it is.

So, as I read through the comments, posts, and counterposts that trailed Veekee James’ post, I could relate with those who felt that women should not settle for a man who cannot take care of them financially. At the same time, I believe women who choose to trust in their men’s potential and who decide to step in as the financial buffer while such men find their feet are also right. There is something to be said about growing your income together with your spouse, building your wealth one block at a time. Sadly, many women have rejected their soulmates because they did not have it “all”, while others have yoked themselves to incompatible partners because of the flashiness of riches.

If your husband-to-be is a ready-made man, go ahead and marry him, as long as you are sure you are marrying for the right reasons. You must, however, be sure that you are not covetous and waiting only for the ready-made “cookie”, this does not always turn out well and I urge you to reconsider if this is the only criteria you are looking out for in a life partner.

Tobi Yusuf, founder of RIAH Events & Weddings, Relationship Mentor, convener of Love Connect – a community empowering couples and singles to build meaningful connections.