BY TOBI YUSUF
In my last article, I wrote about marriage-life balance, about flowing with the seasons of love and purpose instead of fighting them. Little did I know that just weeks later, life would give me a fresh reminder of another truth I often share: marriage is not a scoreboard.
Just before I travelled recently, I started feeling unwell. I pushed through the trip, and by the time I returned home, the sickness hit me properly. My husband had travelled again for work, so I came home to a full house, full responsibilities, and zero time to rest.
Being a woman, especially a mother, teaches you a different kind of strength. Even when your body is tired, even when you’re weak, the world of “Mummy, mummy, mummy…” doesn’t pause. School runs still happen. Meals still need to be made. Beds still need to be slept in and woken up from. And sometimes, there is no one to pick up the slack.
Yes, my family were around for a short while, and I was grateful, but that longing for your husband’s presence, his care, his comfort – it still sits quietly in you. There’s a loneliness that comes with wanting to be looked after but not having that moment.
And so, like many women do, I kept going.
Eventually, my husband returned from his trip, but he was unwell. He showered, got into bed, and fell asleep immediately. And in that moment, I felt something I’m not ashamed to admit:
I felt envy.
I thought, “Wow… I wish that were me. When I came back sick, I didn’t get to fall into bed. I didn’t get to rest. I still had to keep going.”
I brought him tea, checked on him, and did what a loving wife does. But a quiet voice inside whispered:
“Where was this for me? Who held me like this when I was sick?”
It wasn’t anger, it was honesty. The kind of silent disappointment that, if left unchecked, grows into resentment.
Standing there, holding his tea, the Holy Spirit reminded me of something I’ve written and spoken about many times:
Marriage is not a scoreboard.
If I had chosen to “match energy,” I could have easily ignored him. I could have said, “Well, nobody helped me when I was sick, so figure it out.”
But that’s not love. That’s competition. And competition slowly destroys the connection.
The truth is, it wasn’t his fault that he wasn’t around when I was unwell. Just like it wasn’t my fault that I happened to be home when he fell sick, or that I happened to be unwell from my trip. Marriage demands grace in moments where our emotions demand payback.
“Love is patient, love is kind… it keeps no record of wrongs.”
— 1 Corinthians 13:4–5 (NIV)
This scripture hit differently for me in that moment.
It’s not always the big betrayals or dramatic conflicts that shake a marriage. Sometimes it’s the tiny things:
- The time you were sick and still cooked dinner
- The moment you wanted comfort but got silence
- The day you carried everything alone while your partner travelled for work
- The seasons where you felt unseen but didn’t say anything
These small, unspoken hurts add up unless we consciously refuse to turn them into scoreboards.
Looking after my husband while remembering nobody looked after me was uncomfortable, but it was also transformative. It reminded me that:
- Marriage works when we serve even when we’re tired.
- Marriage grows when we give even when we feel empty.
- Marriage strengthens when we choose grace over resentment.
- Marriage heals when we love without tallying what we’ve done or what we deserve.
And above all, marriage thrives when we realise we are on the same team, not opposing sides keeping score.
This season of sickness, both his and mine, was not convenient. But it was clarifying. It reminded me that love isn’t about 50/50; it’s about giving 100/100, even when the timing feels unfair.
Because real marriage isn’t a competition.
It’s a covenant!
Tobi Yusuf, the founder of RIAH Events and Weddings, a Relationship Mentor and the convener of Love Connect – a community empowering couples and singles to build meaningful connections.
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