I am using the whole energy in me to share this because it is something I am ashamed to talk about but I decided to let it out having read the matured way you have handled issues here. I met my husband a couple of years ago and started seeing him but close to our wedding day, his brother returned from the UK and I was shocked to find out he was an old school mate whom we once made out together. We lost contact after school and did not know he had gone ahead to marry a white woman to get his papers which eventually broke down by the time he returned. I have done everything to avoid him and behave as if there was no past between us but my greatest issue at the moment is my husband has allowed him into our home to come and spend some time with us. Initially, it was meant to be two weeks but he is already into his eighth month with us and I am gradually losing my guards because of my husband’s frequent trips which leave me with him. I must confess that we had kissed a couple of times and I realised I still love him. Something in me doesn’t feel right but I am becoming helpless. Please what can I do?
Thanks so much for your mail and I can imagine what it must have taken you to open this up. The first thing I’d quickly want to address is about loving him? True love is a decision that is based on a commitment to add value to someone else for the rest of your life without expecting a thank you. Is that what you feel? True love doesn’t hurt others and doesn’t think of self alone it seeks to find out how it affects others.
There are a couple of patters you may not have noticed in this guy which should jolt you into reality;
- He married another woman to get his papers – what kind of man does that and what values drive him? That is the first clue that you are dealing with a user.
- He accepts to move into your home when he knows the feelings between you – that is another way to identify a guy who doesn’t truly care about you because true love seeks to protect. He would have protected you by declining the offer.
- He is already kissing you – he is already getting you into positions you may not be able to defend which may leave you as the ultimate loser.
The bigger question is if a scandal breaks out would this guy stand by you? Remember the only outsider here is you because every other person involved has a blood relationship and you are the one the world would call an adulterer. Your feelings isn’t a true reflection of what you need per time. I think your hubby’s absence is affecting you and he may not be responding to your love language which I perceive to be quality time & touch. You need to get back to your hubby and build solid friendship with him. I think you made a fundamental mistake by not telling him about your past dealings with his brother which I quite understand but you must protect your sanity at all cost at the moment. If possible have a talk with this guy and advise him to leave your house and if he doesn’t you might want to talk to someone your family respects like your hubby’s mentor or pastor so that he can be made to understand the implication of having his brother live in the house but also it depends on who your man is and his capacity to handle such issues.
You must do something drastically before a bad situation turns worse. But in all of this you are not as helpless as you think.
I wish you all the best as you get him out of your life.
He wants out and has moved on but I am waiting
Thanks for this platform which is helping us out here. I have a pressing challenge and it has been on for 4 years now. My husband suddenly woke up and started complaining about all I do. He insisted I resign my lucrative job which I refused to do because his business can’t sustain the family. He has held that against me ever since. He started keeping malice after which he told me he was going to take another wife. I did everything to appeal and apologize and was even ready to quit the job but everything fell on deaf ears. He eventually moved in with another woman 4years ago leaving me stranded with my son. I heard his new wife has 2 kids already but my pastor said I should keep praying for his return. I am becoming depressed because I have turned every suitor away and I feel lonely and vulnerable. Please I need your counsel.
As much as I do my best to save a marriage in my capacity as a family life therapist I also would not condone for someone else’s life to be messed up by the irresponsibility of another. If this guy has moved on you must also move on. There is no point waiting on a man that has gotten into another marriage because even if he wants to come back to you there are 2 other children to contend with. If you have prayed for 4 years and becoming vulnerable please take his divorce offer and move on because even spiritually you have a strong ground to successfully go through the divorce and let no one condemn you for doing what promotes your peace and sanity because God remains the God of the singles, married, divorced and remarried. Once you go through the process please carefully select a man that stands for your values and remarry and move on with your life except where you are convinced He is coming back which is not going to be without several consequences which I don’t think you are prepared for.
Please carefully consider your option and take the option that promotes your sanity and peace of mind and please don’t hold anything against him for the sake of your own peace. Just see him as a human being who has decided to choose what he thinks is best for him and you must also choose what is best for you.
God bless and protect you.
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