Dear Praise,
I must commend the brilliant way you have responded to people’s questions so far. I have a serious issue on my hand right now and it has to do with my mother inlaw. It seems she is bent on distrupting my marriage because she feels offended that her son married someone that is not from her tribe. She complains about everything I do and I think I have respected her enough. A couple of my friends have asked me to confront her and put the matter to rest once and for all but I feel like talking to you. I have issued an ultimatum to my hubby to choose between his mum and me because I can’t understand why his mother would not mind her business.
Jemimah I – Abuja
Hello Jemimah,
The first thing I’d say to you is that you have no business issuing an ultimatum to your husband because the love between a mother and a son is not something that you can just wish away depending on the history between the two of them. You can’t expect a son whose mother slaved and gave her all to send through school and groomed to become a desirable man that you found attractive to marry give up that same woman because he married a lady?
Truth be told every mother have a choice of who they thought their child should marry so from day one you would be fighting a battle to win her over and that battle can be won with wisdom as against confrontation. If you were in her shoes it is not impossible you’d do the same because people are doing the best they can with what they know. So instead of trying to separate mother and child why not try to create a win-win situation whereby you win her over while still having your man to yourself. So here is what I usually recommend to most of my clients in your shoe when it comes to dealing with your mother inlaw(you can order for the complete e-book)
P- Praise her consistently even when you feel there is nothing praise worthy about her
R- Readily respond respectfully to her intentions. Find a way to discover her needs and meet them ahead of time.
A – Acknowledge her input and impact even if you feel there is nothing to acknowledge. For example you can approach her to teach you a local soup or teach you her dialect and praise her to the high heavens
I – Invest in her because a man’s gift will surely make a way and speak ultimately
S – Serve your way into becoming her favorite because she has her expectations about you and you must show her you are a different specie.
E – Exceed her expectations in everyway. What this means is think of what she would never have imagined you do and deliver it the way that would wow her.
I want you to know that the above works if you do it consistently. There is no human being that can’t be won over if the right strategy is deployed. God bless you.
Help! My wife is on the verge of ruining my life
Hello Praise,
I’d go straight to the point because I am tired of this woman who is bent on running me down. My wife doesn’t want to hear that I am broke. She would nag me till I fork out whatever she is asking for. Infact she must finish any money I make once she sees it and I am considering keeping what I earn from her. Sometimes I tell her that we should consider a cheaper vacation but she keeps insisting we must travel to the US and the UK annually and that the kids must attend the best schools. I am struggling big time and don’t know how long I can keep up with this. It has taken a lot for me to cry for help but when I read how you handled people’s issues last week on this site I decided to send this mail.
Kenny O
Dear Kenny,
The first question I’d like to ask is how did you meet your wife and what did you do to win her heart? If it was your gifts and ability to spoil her bad that made her accept your proposals then you can take a second look at yourself and blame yourself for setting the precedence.
Having said that it is looking like communication in your marriage is not effective because from your question I am not sure you guys have sat back to draw up a master plan for your future and how you intend to create a family economy that is not dependent solely on your earnings and that makes me wonder what happens should you lose your present job?
I’d suggest you sit her down and let her see what the future holds if you continue at this rate and I can tell you for free that if you don’t master your finances and secure your future the two of you may need to look for a job and keep working in your old age. So here are my suggestions:
- Sit with her and show her a picture of your future together
- Help her understand the price that must be paid to secure that future and ask her to choose between a present of bliss and a future of pain or the other way round
- Start a family budget where provision is made for everything and ensure 20-30% of your earnings go into an escrow account that is dedicated to funding assets whose ROI can take care of your future
- Cut down on your luxuries and secure the future of your kids
- Find a way to play cashflow 101 with your spouse(you can send a mail) so that you can see your spending patterns and discover your current snapshot and how to navigate from where you are into creating a future
- The more prudent person must become the family EFCC to ensure that funds are not misappropriated and please stand by your financial decisions.
One more thing I’d like to ask is if she works and what she does with what she makes? If she is a full time housewife it might just be the right time to get her a job so that she learns the discipline of earning and am sure that should help her. However if nothing changes after applying the above principles you might need to come around with her for a proper counseling because it is not impossible that she has a past that has altered her perception about money and spending.
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Your answer is annoying and totally typical of Nigerian men…..so because she slaved for him to take care of him that means she should interfer in his sons marriage? Such talk is what makes people sit and keep doing the same thing over and over….she is totally wrong to interfer in her sons marriage and people like you shoul say so…she does not need to win anybody to her side with hypocritical praises that are not necessary….so far you are doing your bit as a wife and giving her her due respect is enough for her to also respect herself..why must the burden of building a successful home always be put at the feet of the wife? This is the same way men cheat on their wives and do all kinds of things yet the woman must bear the brunt……your answer is totally hypocritical and you have not addressed the issue….while I agree she should not give an ultimatum to the husband, please say the truth here so all parties know their part…the husband should stand up like a man and address the issue and the mother inlaw should leave the couple alone….please let people know their roles in life and in marriage and stop all these hypocritical answers here….I am a mother of two girls and my mother in law does not interfer in my home cos my hubby put his foot down… She comes to visit and we send her what is due her as appropriate, likewise I have two married brothers and my mum only stayed long with them during omugwo….this is not a call to disrespect mother in laws but please say the truth and teach people their roles, she has no business interfering in her sons wife……
Mama, I could not agree with you more on this issue.As I was reading the advise being given I was wondering why we still think mothers have a say in their children’s marriages. I am a man and when I got married I made it clear to my wife that neither my mum nor hers have any input privileges in our home unless we both agree to ask for such input.My understanding of marriage is that a man would leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife to become one.There is a separation from parents involved and as such, instead of the wife trying to win the affection of her mother in law, its rather the mother in law that should seek the approval of the wife before getting involved in their home.While I’m not saying it’s easy to cut the ties between a mother and her child, especially when they are very close and probably she is a widow, having just her child/children left, it also has to be understood that there is a change in the child’s life and she is no longer the most important person in his/her life.I keep using child cause a lot of wives also bring their mothers into their homes and it could be just as disruptive. The lady doesn’t need to give such hypocritical praise and pretentious admiration and adoration in order to have peace in HER home, rather d husband should man up and set his mother straight. The lady is his choice and he should stand by her and forsaking all others (including his mum),cleave to her (as he vowed at their wedding).The mother should be involved only to the degree they both want such involvement. The wife/husband should be respectful and cordial to in laws as they are family but not to the extent of now playing second fiddle to them in the home.
Thank you!
I am a mother of 3 children out of which 2 are boys. I won’t want anyone to tell any of my boys to choose between me and her or them as the case may be. I have a mother in law who loves me to bits. The secret is being sincere and accommodating. Most ladies act on assumptions that their mothers-in-law hate them and would wish their son married someone else. Well, it’s neither here nor there. My advice would be that godly wisdom should come to play here. When you think she is interfering, humour her and let things cool a bit. You already know what you want to do. Gently but gradually get your husband see things your way in love and calmness. Peace will eventually reign. All the best.
I believe there is an over reaction from @ola and mama, the response was to bring the lady into the reality of a going concerned marriage. The marriage can not bring division to all parties involved. I believe the responds was right because it access the reality of events and gives a WIN WIN RECOMMENDATION.
Mama was very realistic in her submission. However it is only wise for a wife to find d favor of her mother in law. It goes a long way on how her marriage success.
I think the answers to both these situations are spot on, especially with the mother in law. I can testify that it works totally and in time both mother and wife can come to a peaceful place because love conquers all. Being stubborn and confrontational does not get you anywhere and treating your mother in law like an outsider will not yield any good results. Even if she is really evil, it is better to keep your enemy in your sight to know exactly what she can or cannot do.
Good Luck to anyone trying to win anyone over… Inlaws,friends, whatever, when people focus more on God and Put yourself second,yourchildren next… Hmmmm,then whoever you cherish most next, You should be alright, you cant realy make nyone to Love you. Unless theyll fake it and act like they like you because they dont want to look like trouble!
to b candid….evrybody has spoken well…I really understnd how she feels even though I’m not married.. but I’ll suggest that she(the wife in question) follows praise’s advice, nd move closer to God…bcoz two wrongs cannot make a right ooo…therez nothin wrong in tryin to win yr mother inlaws heart no mata how evil she paints herself…therz nothin hypocritical abt that…therz an old novel tittled “wives nd mothers”…u can get it nd read coz it will help u…nd let me had that if u are a wife or mother in a home nd u dnt serve God u will definately have problem now or later…Jesis is the answer for the world today ooo….take evrytin to the Lord in prayer md yr mum-in-law will b r best frnd…remain blessed….
it hurt me that mama does not av a son if she does she will not b talking the way she is.how can a wife ask her hubby to choose btwn her and his mom,for Gods sakes that can never happen and even if he has to choose am pretty sure he will choose his mom. my dear, mother’s love us totally diff from wife’s love u can’t change it. I agree some mothers can b a pain in the a** but my dear let me give ladies one serious advice if u want a man only to ur self go to under flyover pick one man that has not attended primary sch train him and then u can take the role of a mother and that of a wife all at once. am a lady and for God sake I can never tell my hubby to choose btwn me and his mom. probably bcos my mom sacrificed a lot for me. Mr praise I appreciate ur advice…
I totally agree with Praise. This woman has a challenge of pleasing her mother in-law and from what I have read I don’t think she has ever put into practice all the above steps that praise gave. I believe you should go ahead with the advice and see what comes out of it. You can’t be doing a particular thing for year and expect a change. And another thing is there is nothing hypocritical about the idea. It is called WISDOM… The same WISDOM some women have applied to achieve a lot in their home and with their husbands.