Agony Uncle Keshi answers your questions

With the Super Eagles inactive till March 2015 when Russia 2018 World Cup qualifiers commence, team coach Stephen Keshi has a lot of idle time on his hands.

Being a child of God and not a tool for the Devil’s workshop, the Big Boss has decided to channel his energy to help the heavily laden.

Nobody is more qualified to give practical and realistic solutions to your problems more than Keshi who has over 20 years’ experience as a bachelor, over 30 as a married man, over 40 handling fellow players – local and foreign, coaches – local and foreign, NFA and NFF officials – straight and bent, fans – loyal and disloyal, and the press – good and bad.

Welcome to Agony Uncle ‘Keshi’s’ column – your problems last bus stop.

I HAVE RHINOCEROS PLUS CROCODILE SKIN

Dear Big Boss, I am a 35 year-old single lady. But being single and old is not the problem. My problem is hard and scaly skin. All the guys I’ve dated run once they get really close. My present guy is more concerned and he wants me to do something about it. What can you recommend to achieve a soft and beautiful skin like yours I see on TV?

Ebele, Ajegunle

Let me start by commending your present boyfriend. One might not know why he’s still sticking with a rhinocodile but let me tell you, it’s not love. I’m no quack and I know it will be impossible to go from beast to beauty (never mind Walt Disney) so I’ll advise you date a fellow hard and scaly or someone who is partially blind with no arms to feel your skin/scale. If not, in your next letter when you are 45 you will still be single and old and by then it’s a problem.

ON THE VERGE OF LOSING MY JOB

Big Boss, I enjoy the way you handle people’s problem on this page; more power to your elbows! You and I have one or two things in common and it goes beyond my name being Stephen (same spelling not Steven) and from the same part of Delta state like you. I am a soccer coach. Results on the pitch have not been going well as planned and I suspect some players are sabotaging my effort. That sounds familiar, right? But it doesn’t ends there. My boss has been going about telling people I’m incompetent and undisciplined. But surely, he’s wrong. I was recently awarded the best coach in my community after ending a 15-year futile attempt to win the Community Shield. I won it in my first year on the job. But that’s in the past now. At present, I’m facing the sack and don’t know what to do. I love my job and it’s not that I don’t have offers elsewhere. But I love my community.

Stephen, Sokoto.

Hmmm. Well, Stephen I will say you have to rely less on results on the pitch to keep your job. Is your boss married? If yes, make yourself useful to his wife, daughters, sons, and dogs. If no, he has a boss too I guess? Then, appeal to the emotions of his superiors. Be creative about your approaches and try to look less desperate in holding on to your job. Above all, ignore people telling you to ‘quit while you are ahead’. Put them behind you. Wish you all the best.

MY EX DESTROYED MY PROPERTIES

Dear Keshi, my girlfriend of five years is finding it difficult to accept that our relationship is over. She keeps coming to my house even when I’m not around. She never runs out of credit and keeps sending annoying and threat laden sms. I went to church (not to bind the devil) the other day and on my return met my TV, laptop, and digital camera destroyed. She gained access with the spare key with her. I don’t know whether to call the police or ask ‘area boys’ to deal with her. Help!

Ladi, Ilasamaja

Do neither. Change your locks and your luck will change.

I CAUGHT MY FIANCÉE IN BED WITH MY BROTHER

Big Boss, I’m a 29 year-old man engaged to an older lady who is 33.We were to marry by month end but I doubt it right now. I caught her pants down with my brother (blood brother) in my house. To a neutral it might have looked like a blue film but to me Hammer House of Horror wasn’t as scary. I feel like dying.

Julius, Abuja

You didn’t say if your brother was older or younger. If younger, maybe your girl needed a warmer blood than yours. And if older, she might just need an experienced hand (using age as the only yardstick to measure experience). Don’t die. Die and they could continue with the affair. Live and they could continue with the affair. Ignore and continue with your life without her. As for your brother, revenge wouldn’t be a bad idea except he ends up marrying her.

MY SON IS IN THE SAME CLASS AS THE OFFICE BULLY’S SON

Dear Agony Uncle, my son has started at a top school and to my horror I find he is in the same class as the son of a man whose bullying forced me to leave a job I loved. I cannot face the thought of bumping into him. Do I tell my son to keep his distance? What if they become friends? I can’t bear it.

Victoria, Aba

I’m assuming you have a husband but if not, hire a body builder any time you have a reason to go to your son’s school. When the bully sees you he should behave himself except of course he’s also a Mr. USA Tony Atlas. Your son and the bully’s son can never be friends but if they end up being one, be sure it’s your son doing the bullying. I strongly doubt that though. If all fails, who says there are no other top schools in Aba? Ask Theodore.

MY BOOBS ARE NO LONGER WHAT IT WAS

Big Boss, my boobs sagged when I gave birth and I am desperate to get it back to shape. My husband, a breast-minded person, is sad to see his most cherished anatomy take another form. What can be done? I can’t afford plastic surgery.

Nike, Ekiti

You can’t afford plastic surgery but at least you can afford girdle bra, sun shade, and bed switch.

MUST I HAVE A MAN?

I don’t really fancy the idea of having a boyfriend. Not that I’m gay but I just can’t imagine being caressed by a man, kissed, laid upon and all that stuff I get to see on TV. I have a good career and I don’t mind being single. Is this normal?

NK, Warri

NK, except the good career you mention is in the monastery! See me in person. Allay your fears; I won’t do all that to you. Not that I’m gay but I just can’t imagine an unencumbered girl not being caressed, kissed, and laid upon.

I AM UNABLE TO WOO A LADY

There is a certain girl in my neighbourhood I really really fancy but I cannot summon the courage to talk to her. I don’t think it is because she is in the university and I’m still battling with pre-JAMB, JAMB, and post-JAMB. Need tips on how to win her over.

Sina, Sango

First thing first, change your name to Victor or Winner or Success. Next thing, mail the change of name page to me so I can confirm you followed the first rule. I’m waiting for your response so I can give you further instructions. Remain blessed!

So friends, send in your problems for an expert opinion and I like they say, a shared problem is half solved.