Remember that friend that told you that complaining in a relationship is bad? Well it isn’t. It all depends on perception. Especially in the area of determining one’s love language.


Typically, when our spouse complains, we get irritated. But he or she is actually giving us valuable information. Complaints often reveal the key to our spouse’s inner longing for emotional love. If you learn your mate’s primary love language – and speak it – you will have a happier spouse and a better relationship.

So how do you do this? Pay attention.  During complains questions arises. It is through those questions that you would be able to determine what your spouse’s primary love language is.  For example;

Receiving gifts: “You mean you didn’t bring me anything? Did you even miss me while you were gone?”


Quality time: “We never spend any time with each other anymore. We’re like two ships passing in the dark.”

Physical touch: “I don’t think you would ever touch me if I didn’t initiate it.”

Words of affirmation: “I can’t do anything right around here. All you ever do is criticize. I can never please you.”


Act of service: “If you loved me, you would do something around here. You never lift a finger to help”

These are common questions that arise when a partner is complaining about something in the relationship. Now if your goal is to discover what your spouse’s love language is, you have just been given a tip on how to make your relationship last long and better.

The key is perception. So when next that fight comes up, don’t argue, don’t look for a defense, take time and listen, beneath that nagging and complain, is a message been passed across.

However, challenges to this might suffice. Such as what if your spouse’s primary love language is something that isn’t easy for you to do? What if you’re not a touchy-feely person but your spouse’s primary love language is physical touch? The answer is simple, though not necessarily easy: You learn to speak the language of physical touch. You learn to speak a new love language by trying.


Yes it isn’t easy because you have to go all the way out to make ensure you spot it, learn it and speak it. But look on the bright side, you’re gaining a very healthy and lasting relationship. There is nothing better than being able to understand your partner and that is exactly what discovering these love languages helps you do.

At first it might be very difficult, but the second time will be easier, and the third time even easier. Eventually, you can become proficient in speaking your mate’s love language; and if he or she reciprocates by speaking your language, the two of you will keep emotional love alive in the relationship.

See an example of a couple who recently discovered their spouse’s love language: Rick, a 33-year-old truck driver who has been married for 12 years, wrote, “After I discovered [my wife’s] love language, it helped me to understand why she had been saying that I didn’t love her. I knew I loved her, and I told her all the time. The problem was that her love language is acts of service, and I never did anything to help her around the house. I guess I followed my dad’s example – but then Mom and Dad never had a very good marriage, either. Now I try to do things for Brenda when I’m home. It has made a great difference in our marriage.”

Rick’s wife, Brenda, wrote, “We were having serious problems and were talking about separating. … Then Rick and I started talking about our relationship. I learned that his love language is words of affirmation. Here I had been criticizing him because I didn’t feel loved by him, but all along I was only making him feel worse and didn’t know it. Now he speaks my language and I speak his. We went from a very wintry season to a warm spring or summer season.” Understanding your spouse’s primary love language – and learning to speak it – can make a world of difference in your marriage.”


Another challenge that might spring up is if your spouse isn’t willing to take the extra mile like you did when you noticed your relationship might be hitting the rocks like the Titanic and you start reading books and attending counseling. Rather than give up, this is where unconditional love comes to play. Now it isn’t easy to practice unconditional love, but it is step you should be willing to take.

Gary Chapman says a full love tank creates a positive atmosphere in which you and your spouse can talk about your differences more easily and negotiate solutions to your conflicts. Many hard, cold men and women melt when they begin to receive love in their love language. Love is the most powerful weapon in the world for good. It can thaw the coldest of winters and bring the blossoms of spring to your marriage.

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