BY TOBI YUSUF
In the early years of our marriage, Christmas wasn’t complicated because of conflict. It was complicated because of expectations.
Both my husband and I come from big families: warm, close-knit families where Christmas matters and being present is a sign of love. Without ever saying it out loud, we assumed the best way forward was to make everyone happy.
So we didn’t choose a house.
We didn’t create a plan.
We didn’t have a conversation.
We tried to do everything.
At the time, it didn’t feel unhealthy. It felt generous.
We told ourselves:
•We’ll pop in here and there
•It’s only one day
•We can manage both
What we didn’t realise was that constantly meeting other people’s expectations meant we were quietly ignoring our own capacity as a couple.
Christmas became rushed.
Decisions were made on the fly.
And although nothing was said, tension sat quietly in the background.
Not because we were disagreeing but because nothing had been agreed.
Looking back, I understand why we avoided it.
How do you ask your husband:
•Where are we spending Christmas?
•Whose family do we prioritise this year?
•What works best for us?
It felt like choosing sides.
Like creating division where none existed.
Like opening the door to unnecessary friction.
So we stayed silent, hoping love would smooth it all out.
What we didn’t understand in those early years is this:
Unspoken expectations don’t preserve peace, they quietly create pressure.
Christmas doesn’t cause marital tension.
It reveals the conversations a couple hasn’t yet learned how to have.
There was no right or wrong family.
There was just a missing conversation.
As the years went by, and as we grew in self-awareness and communication, those conversations became easier to approach.
Still uncomfortable at times but necessary.
We learned that:
•Early communication matters
•Honest conversations prevent future resentment
•Avoidance doesn’t protect a marriage clarity does
These conversations weren’t signs of conflict.
They were signs of partnership.
If you’re newly married and navigating Christmas between two families, hear this gently:
You’re not selfish for wanting clarity.
You’re not causing tension by asking the question.
You’re not “doing too much” by talking it through.
You’re laying a foundation.
The earlier couples learn to communicate openly, especially about practical decisions, the stronger their marriage becomes.
This Christmas, my hope isn’t that couples get everything right.
It’s that more couples feel confident enough to pause and ask:
What works best for us?
Because marriages don’t break over Christmas plans.
They grow stronger through early, honest conversations.
Tobi Yusuf, the founder of RIAH Events and Weddings, a Relationship Mentor and the convener of Love Connect – a community empowering couples and singles to build meaningful connections.
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