“I feel like I don’t have a say.” “I don’t know what I’m doing with money.” “We’re not even working as a team anymore.”
If you’ve ever felt this way in your marriage, you’re not broken, you’re human.
And more importantly, you’re probably not missing money.
You’re missing motivation stemming from a more profound emotional need.
According to Self-Determination Theory (Deci & Ryan), every human being, including married couples, needs three core things to thrive:
Autonomy – the sense of control and freedom over your choices.
Competence – the confidence that you’re capable and effective.
Relatedness – the feeling of connection and emotional closeness to others.
And here’s the surprising part: Money touches all three.
But when money lacks meaning or a shared mission, these needs begin to break down.
Autonomy turns into anxiety: “I feel trapped or controlled.”
Competence turns into Comparison: “I’m not good with money like my spouse.”
Relatedness turns into resentment: “We’re just surviving, not connecting.”
That’s why managing money isn’t just about tools, it’s about emotional health.
And when couples understand this, everything shifts.
They stop fighting over what to spend and start listening to why each person feels stuck, overwhelmed, or defensive.
So how do you build self-determination into your marriage and money relationship?
Here’s what it looks like in practice:
1. Support Autonomy — Not Control
Create a budget together, not one person setting rules for the other.
Ask: “What do YOU want to prioritise this month?”
Freedom builds trust.
2. Build Competence — Not Comparison
Not everyone grew up learning how to save or invest.
Instead of judgment, offer growth: “Let’s learn this together.”
Encourage small wins and celebrate progress.
3. Nurture Relatedness — Not Just Responsibilities
Don’t make money talk all about bills.
Connect emotionally first: “How are you feeling about our finances lately?”
Budgeting should deepen your bond, not divide it.
When couples meet these needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness, something beautiful happens:
They feel seen, not silenced.
They feel capable, not controlled.
They think together, not trapped.
And that emotional safety? It fuels financial growth.
Because loved people manage resources better.
Remember this:
“Self-determined couples are self-controlled couples not out of fear, but out of freedom.”
So if you want to strengthen your finances and your love, don’t just download another budget app.
Build emotional systems that make both of you feel safe, strong, and supported.
Ready to do that?
Visit marriageandmoney.com.ng for tools that help you align emotionally and financially with purpose, clarity, and connection.
Because when couples feel free, capable, and connected, money becomes a tool for love, not a test of it.
Adetutu Afolabi is a Personal Freedom Coach helping families build wealth through aligned values and intentional living. She believes strong relationships are key to lasting financial freedom
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