What’s your criteria for love?

BY TOBI YUSUF

Recently, I heard about a single mother of four who was charged in court for abandoning her four kids. Not long after, I heard my pastor talking about a woman whose mental health became affected after her husband impregnated another woman and subsequently moved out of the house.

As I ruminated on both stories, all I could think about was the injustice of it all and how horrible both women must feel in their situations. At the same time, I thought about how all these could have been avoided if the women involved had carefully set their love criteria.

Before you fall head over heels in love (because love often happens unannounced to a lot of us), have you asked yourself what your deal breakers are? Unfortunately, many people are not clear about their expectations in marriage.

They even fashion out their plans for what they want their partners to do or who they become. When these are unmet, it brings about a rivalry so fierce, that you begin to wonder how these two became an “item” in the first place. Worse still, some are so possessive that despite the relationship not working out, they keep their partner hostages, making their lives utterly unbearable yet stubbornly holding on. Remember the case of Bimbo and IVD Ogbonna?

I understand that many hide their true identities and intentions until after marriage because of the fear of losing that person. But isn’t it better that the relationship be broken than becoming a fugitive or even a convict (that is if you stay alive enough to be convicted)? Some even see the red flags, but because of the fear of being judged by the public who wouldn’t be in the marriage/relationship with them, they prefer to stay in the abusive union. Shouldn’t you settle how much you can, and are willing to take ahead of time?

We really need to do better, whoever we are and whatever we do. As a woman, please consider your options well, and weigh both sides of the coin, not just the rosy side. What happens if he leaves you? What if he cares nothing for your child(ren), can you cope? Should you be having sex with a man to the extent of bearing his children who does not care for you? Have you ascertained her character enough to know she wouldn’t turn on you? What if she does? What if they even begin to live your worst nightmares right under your roof? You really need to ask and answer these questions quite frankly.

Finally, there is the need for us to do better. We should go beyond the now which, sincerely, is a quite self-centered approach, and begin to see the future. See what the next couple of years will be like – do you see them in it? How so? – before committing to them. Our sanity, staying alive, and even children’s lives and future depend on it. The future is now.

In health and love.

Tobi Yusuf, founder of RIAH Events & Weddings, Relationship Mentor, convener of Love Connect – a community empowering couples and singles to build meaningful connections.