BY TOBI YUSUF
What do you do when your partner seems unhelpful or when the weight of family, of parenting, becomes too heavy to carry? Do you lash out at them or plain ignore them, harbouring all the hurt for a later day of unleashing?
Do you stay loving, displaying as much understanding as you can lend at the time? Do you, like a thermostat, reset the ambience of your home and relationship: forgiving rather than ignoring; addressing rather than attacking or blowing up like a thermometer; reading the room and matching energies?
My mother once drew an analogy of drinking water yet not swallowing the same despite being thirsty, likening it to being angry and lashing out in anger. You may also have come across the analogy of angry words spoken to someone as a paper being squeezed but never returning to its original beautiful state, despite being told sorry.
Truthfully, this is what it means when we consistently allow ourselves to be angry. When you make the decision to mete out what they deserve to them rather than lead with grace, or lash out at your spouse at every given opportunity, oftentimes because you are holding a grudge against them, you are a thermometer and may not get much from the relationship.
If, on the contrary, you decide to smooth things over, would rather have a discussion than make dangerous assumptions and/or conclusions in your head; forgive in advance; be more understanding and less bitter, et cetera, you are a thermostat. Although you can read the room, you refuse to flow with the dangerous tide of malice, anger and outright anger.
Although both the thermometer and the thermostat are important tools, one is better than the other as far as our relationships are concerned. The thermometer just measures the temperature while the thermostat goes a step further in regulating same. That is to say, the thermostat lowers a high temperature and warms up a cold one, thereby striking a balance and saving the inhabitants of the home from the pain of ‘overheating’ or ‘cold’.
No, I do not suggest that it is an easy task to be a thermostat, and no, it is not compulsory, nor do you have to condone toxic traits. But if you really want to save what you share with your partner, you wouldn’t want to give up on this beautiful thing that has taken you so long and so much to build, then it is worth the effort.
Perfection may not come in a day, but it gets better with determination and effort.
Here’s sending you so much love, hugs and kisses till I come your way again. I remain Tobi Yusuf, the founder of RIAH Events and Weddings, a Relationship Mentor, and the Convener of Love Connect – a community empowering couples and singles to build meaningful connection
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