BY TOBI YUSUF
In recent times, K-Drama, C-Drama and others, have sold the idea of age not being a major influence in the affairs of love to their viewers. As far as love is concerned, they preach, age should not be a problem. However, this is a deviation from what was obtainable in no distant time ago. It was believed that “the man” had to be older than his wife with at least a couple years.
In fact, in some cultures, the more years, the better for the home. (No wonder the servitude relationship between some couples, you say? But that is not the bone of contention today.) As a matter of fact, one or more advantages can be attributed to this tradition of “marrying an older man,” which include maturity and financial stability, among others. But is this tradition still needed in our present world?
In the scheme of things, it is obvious that women are already disadvantaged. The ratio of men to women already puts women in a tight spot, making the decision of choosing a love/life partner straight. Should they then still stick to the old ways of doing things just because culture says so, their needs notwithstanding?
Furthermore, today, we find that neither maturity nor financial stability is limited to the “elders,” as we have younger people who are far more discreet in the matters of emotional and financial intelligence. Even the Holy Bible says that wisdom is not always with the elders…” (Job 32:9).
My stand then?
Do you! The popular saying “to each one his own” is quite necessary here. Many marriages that consider tradition and “what would people say” have hit the rocks today, while those who choose the unconventional routes are still standing. I have seen marriages where men marry women who are almost and even a decade older than they and their homes thrived/are thriving. I have also seen situations where agemates marry each other and the strain in the relationship is too much to bear. So, again, I say do you!
Most importantly, what I think should take precedence over “what would people say?” is: “Can I cope?” “Will marrying someone older/younger make me insecure?” “Can I handle their tantrums (because there definitely would be many episodes of this)?” “What if they/I don’t fit in my/their social circles, will I feel cheated, or am I prepared for this?” “What if things do not work out the way I/we planned? Will I be able to stand the ridicule that may come afterwards?”
“What if I want children and they are past childbearing age, am I open to other options as regards childbearing which wouldn’t involve infidelity or lying?” “Am I getting into this relationship out of love or selfish motives, including low self-esteem and/or vendetta?” “How well do I get on with this person? Do we communicate well? Are they threatened by my personality or achievements? If yes, what steps am I willing to take to remedy this situation? Do I love them enough to make major sacrifices so that they come up to/I stoop to their level?” These questions (and many more you may want to add) are crucial before you take the big leap/plunge into that relationship with the substantial age difference. Do well to make your choice carefully.
Tobi Yusuf, founder of RIAH Events & Weddings, Relationship Mentor, convener of Love Connect – a community empowering couples and singles to build meaningful connections.
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