In Nigerian marriages, there’s an unspoken truth: a man’s bond with his mother is sacred. But sometimes, that holy bond becomes a silent wedge between him and the woman he vowed to build a life with.
We were in a tight place, school fees were looming like shadows over our heads, and rent was weeks past due.
And I had just tearfully told my best friend, my chief bridesmaid, that I couldn’t afford the aso ebi for her wedding.
Sacrifices had become a language I spoke fluently.
And so when I brought up the little I had planned to send to my mother for her monthly upkeep, he looked at me and with a calm voice said, “Let’s hold off for now, things are tight, we need to prioritise the children.”
I understood, honestly, I did, even though it hurt, but I nodded; I’m a mother too, I knew what it meant to choose necessity over sentiment. So I tucked away that plan, swallowed the lump in my throat, and carried on.
Then, two days later, his phone buzzed.
₦20,000 transferred to his mother.
No discussion, no mention, just… done.
It wasn’t the amount that hurt me; it was the silence, the ease of the total disregard that felt like a betrayal, a breach of the trust we had painstakingly built.
I asked him, gently but firmly, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He didn’t look guilty. Just tired. “She needed it,” he said. “I didn’t think I had to explain.”
I stared at him, and all the unsaid things crowded the room. It wasn’t about explanations; it was about partnership. About not making me feel like an outsider in the very home we built with shared struggle. About the emotional cost of being left out of decisions that impact both of us.
Later, in the quiet of that evening, he said, “But she’s my mother.”
And I replied, my voice low but steady, “Yes. But I am your family now. Your wife, the mother of your children and the one you asked to do life with.”
He didn’t argue, he nodded in agreement, apologised, but in that silence, something shifted.
Now, we have a new rule: no financial decisions without transparency. Not because of control, but because trust doesn’t vanish with betrayal, it fades with silence.
Also, in marriage, secrets don’t always wear the face of infidelity. Sometimes, they wear the familiar face of family, and they steal intimacy one quiet choice at a time.
Visit marriageandmoney.com.ng for money conversation templates to help you and the person you wish to share love and life with.
Adetutu Afolabi is a Personal Freedom Coach helping families build wealth through aligned values and intentional living. She believes strong relationships are key to lasting financial freedom
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