BY ADETUTU AFOLABI
Every time she buys something just for herself, a piece of jewellery, a sweater, a designer bag, she feels it: that familiar knot in her stomach. Guilt.
She hesitates before showing the receipt. It’s not secrecy but a quiet urge to apologise. Her partner shrugs it off, lovingly confused. “You deserve nice things,” he insists. And she believes him. Yet that inner voice still whispers: “Was that not selfish? Shouldn’t you have saved instead?”
This is money guilt, a subtle, often corrosive feeling triggered by spending. It’s not just about dollars and cents. It’s about emotion, identity, and invisible expectations. And in a marriage, money guilt can silently drive a wedge between partners.
Where does THE GUILT come from?
Money guilt isn’t born in the moment you tap your card. Its roots often run deeper from:
- Growing up with scarcity. Watching parents stress over bills can instil a lifelong fear of spending, even if you’re stable now.
- Cultural and gender roles. Many people are raised to prioritise the needs of others. Spending on yourself may feel selfish or even taboo.
- Past financial mistakes. Debt, bankruptcy, or overspending can make any purchase feel risky even when it’s not.
- Unequal incomes. If one partner earns less or stays home, spending joint money can spark feelings of guilt, even in equitable partnerships.
- Clashing money values. If one of you saves and the other spends on experiences or wellness, mismatched values can create unspoken tension.
How to Stop Feeling Guilty About Spending Money in Your Marriage
- Know Your Money Story: Understanding the roots of your guilt is like turning on a light in a dark room. It brings relief and empowerment. Reflect on your upbringing, past experiences, and the messages you’ve received about money. This awareness is the first step to change.
- Talk Openly With Your Partner: Silence breeds shame. Share your feelings, not just your purchases. Share with your partner why you feel the way you do, and invite them to share their own money story as well.
- Define Shared Financial Values: What do you both care about: security, freedom, generosity, experiences? Aligning values helps every dollar feel more purposeful and less stressful.
- Create Guilt-Free Spending Budgets: Set individual “no-judgment” spending allowances. A small monthly amount for personal use can reduce stress and promote autonomy.
- Practice Financial Self-Compassion: You’re not reckless. You’re human. Joy isn’t a financial risk. It’s a necessity. Spending on yourself doesn’t mean you’re irresponsible; it means you’re prioritising yourself. It means you matter, too.
The Weight of Money, Guilt, and How to Let It Go
Money guilt is like an invisible backpack full of stones. Each purchase adds a little more weight until it robs the joy from the things that should bring comfort.
But you can set it down. Slowly. Intentionally. This act of letting go brings a sense of liberation and hope. Through honest conversations, shared values, and self-forgiveness, you can lighten your load.
As one financial therapist puts it: “Money guilt is the shadow that appears when your spending is out of sync with your values.”
But shadows fade in the light, and that light begins with courage, curiosity, and connection.
Have you experienced money guilt in your relationship?
What helped you move past it? Share your story. We’d love to hear it.
Photo credit: iStock
Adetutu Afolabi is a Personal Freedom Coach helping families build wealth through aligned values and intentional living. She believes strong relationships are key to lasting financial freedom.
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