For years, I thought we were just bad with money. Our arguments over spending habits, “necessary” purchases, budgeting, and planning, with tense comments, would then spiral into silence, resentment, distance, and disconnection.
And then something shifted.
Not in our bank account. In us.
We stopped asking, “Why can’t we figure this out?” and started asking, “What are we really fighting about?”
That’s when the truth emerged: it was never about the money.
Money was the spark, not the fire. Beneath it smouldered layers of emotion we didn’t yet know how to name: for many of us, money talks trigger:
Fear—of instability, of scarcity.
Shame—of not being enough, or not providing enough.
Ego—the fragile stories we’d built around self-worth and success.
Unspoken expectations, shaped by culture, family, and old wounds.
Childhood scripts—where money meant safety, status, survival.
We weren’t debating expenses. We were navigating two emotional currencies shaped by different pasts.
Money became a symbol of power, love, freedom, security, and validation.
It was never about “How much did you spend?” It was:
“Do you see me?”
“Can you hear my fear, even if I mask it with frustration?”
“Do I matter, even when I’m vulnerable?”
When we stopped managing money and started decoding what it represented, the arguments softened. We learned that healing financial conflict isn’t just about spreadsheets, it’s about emotional fluency, about listening for the unspoken, and holding space for the messy.
In a global culture obsessed with financial success, we forget this: The deepest work in marriage isn’t mastering money, it’s understanding the meaning we attach to it.
Money talks, and fights reveal and ask: Where are you still hurting? What haven’t you said out loud? And perhaps most of all: Are you willing to grow together, even when it’s uncomfortable?
In the end, getting better with money wasn’t just a skill; it was a doorway to something far richer: empathy, intimacy, and the kind of partnership that can weather any storm.
Visit marriageandmoney.com.ng to access financial tools that could help you not stay in the dark when NEPA takes light.
Adetutu Afolabi is a Personal Freedom Coach helping families build wealth through aligned values and intentional living. She believes strong relationships are key to lasting financial freedom
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