I am almost ashamed to talk about this but there is no other way to go about this than to send you this mail because my 3year marriage is about hitting the rock.
My hubby was posted to Canada from work immediately we got married and he has not been able to get me to join him since then because he felt there was no need quitting my lucrative job for Canada.
Somehow he is not also the type that calls all the time and I had complained to no avail. This is not to excuse my stupidity because I really don’t have any sound reason for what I did but I got involved with my manager who had been pestering me for sex. It started by hanging out with him and somehow I let down my guards and it happened.
I felt very terrible and had to write a long mail to my husband because I couldn’t bear to hide anything from him. Now he has told everyone that matter from mentors to our family members and even though his body language is showing me that he is done with the marriage he hasn’t said anything.
Please what do you advice I do please?
Eucharia – Lagos
I must commend your courage because I can imagine what it must have taken you to open up this very sensitive issue.
I usually don’t like distant relationship for newly weds because it compromises the very essence of marriage and eventually opens the door to compromise especially when communication becomes strained.
Trust me while I am not going to approve what you have done I am not also going to totally blame you for it because we are all different and every man is a wrong positioning away from messing up. The first law in protecting your sanity is the law of positioning which says it is easy to fall when you are wrongly positioned.
The truth is the deed has been done and while we can’t blame whatever decision he comes out with you need to brace yourself up for the next steps.
There are only two options in this case and you must be prepared for both because adequate preparation helps you go through issues successfully.
He may forgive you although that may take sometime and you will even need to rebuild trust which is often times difficult and trust me you will need to appreciate him if he does because there are a few men out there that would be willing to forgive a cheating wife. One thing you must however ensure he does is total forgiveness because there is no greater torture than when a man claims he has forgiven his wife yet keeps reminding her of her errors at every interval in marriage. That would kill you faster than divorce.
The other option would be for him to tell you he is no longer interested and you must brace yourself up for that as well. If that should happen then it is not the end of your life. there is nothing called failures; you only have feedbacks. What you may need to do is check in for counseling and therapy immediately so that you can focus on fixing yourself and bounce back stronger.
Truth is you won’t be the first and the last to have gone through this experience and while it is nothing to be proud of you must realize that you are a human being and you deserve to be forgiven and even deserve a second chance. That your marriage crashed after 3years may not mean the end of the world provided you pick the critical lessons from the experience and ensure it serves a greater good for your future.
I know you are fearful at the moment and you must have prepared yourself for the worst but here are a few logical questions that may give you a softer landing and helps you face whatever it is that comes your way;
- What would happen if he tells you it is over?
- What wouldn’t happen if he tells you it is over?
- What would happen if he doesn’t tell you it is over?
- What wouldn’t happen if he doesn’t tell you it is over?
If you can accurately answer these questions you would have equipped yourself to face whatever comes your way. However, you need to focus on yourself and help with finding the missing you all over again because the act of cheating is an indication that something has gone wrong somewhere with your self esteem or identity. Until you fix you there could be a re-occurrence.
It is one thing to lose a marriage but it is worse if you lose yourself in the process.
God bless you.
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