I am writing in from Ghana and very sad at what just befell me which has left me devastated and is threatening my upcoming wedding. A friend who has been an ardent reader of your counsel asked me to send you a mail. I have been involved with my man for three years and I had always known him to be a deeply religious guy that I could vouch for. I used to brag about him to my friends and he has been so good to me. Everything was on course for our wedding and we had finalized preparations until I visited his house last week early in the morning which I had never done before having forgotten my ID card the previous day.
I used my key to open the door and made for the bedroom and was shocked to see my man pants down with another guy in bed. I almost passed out but he has been begging me ever since telling me it was his first time of trying out what it means to have it with another man. Please I need your help sir because I am yet to inform my family. Even though we have spent a lot in preparation but it seems my mind is off the wedding.
I must commend your courage and wisdom in reaching out to me at this time because I can imagine the emotional state you would be at this time. The first thing I’d like to tell you is that a wedding is an event that is within your control and not in the hands of your invited guests. I have a right to cancel an event I invited people for even though it is tough in Africa but not usually a problem in Europe. What you have spent is small compared to the sanity of your mind and your quest for a happy marriage.
The bedrock of every relationship is trust and once trust is betrayed it needs time to be rebuilt and it is not something that is rebuilt by mere ‘I am sorry’. The question is would he have told you if you had not walked in on them?
Having said that I will advise you to inform your parents and go ahead with your plan to call it off if your mind is off the wedding because it doesn’t make sense to make a mockery of wedding vows when your mind is no longer there. It is better to break an engagement than to be struggling to break a marriage.
I love the Jewish proverb of Solomon describes a good man ‘A good man sees evil and hides himself while the wicked goes ahead and is destroyed’ You need to take a decision that is in your best interest because I can assure you that what you witnessed couldn’t have been the first time and nobody just makes out with another man without an underlying problem. Never go ahead into marriage because of what people would say. Be more concerned about how happy your marriage would be should you decide later that he has continued with his same sex act? What that guy needs is help and not a marriage at the moment. So here are 4 core questions that should help you.
- What would happen if you call off the wedding?
- What wouldn’t happen if you call off the wedding?
- What would happen if you don’t call off the wedding?
- What wouldn’t happen if you wouldn’t call off the wedding?
I wish you all the best and do always remember that the wrong route never leads to the right destination. Please do forgive him but forgiveness doesn’t mean a continuation of the relationship.
MY MOTHER-IN-LAW IS DISTURBING ME
I want to thank you for the mature way you have been responding to questions here and I must commend you for all you have been doing on this platform. I got married two years ago and I noticed my mother-in-law made passes at me when I started dating her daughter. She had been involved with several men before now having had threw husbands but I ignored it thinking she was just being nice. But since we had our first child she had moved in with us and I am no longer comfortable with her quest to make me happy and barging into my privacy since my wife resumed work. Sometimes she comes into my room unannounced and would make a sexual comment about my body. She had also sent me her nude pictures a couple of times which I deleted. I don’t want to embarrass her because I am not the type that would cheat but I need your counsel sir.
It is quite simple: sit her down and let her know how much you respect and honour her as your mother in-law and how you would never trade your wife for another woman. Let her know that you would inform her daughter about her past antics if she doesn’t change her ways and give an ultimatum for her to leave your house. Let her understand she should make out an excuse to exit your house to her daughter and leave your house. You can always send whatever you want to send to her monthly and visit her with your wife but you don’t want to harbor her under whatever guise.
But let me also inform you of the need to carry anyone you respect along like your mentor or your religious leader so that you can have a witness the day she decides to make trouble.
There is no point keeping such a woman in your home and trust me such can’t be managed as well because she will go to any extent to have her way including drugging you if need be and trust me once it happens once she will subject your life to emotional blackmails because you may never be able to explain to your wife how you succumbed to her mother’s advances. There is only one way I know to kill a lion without physically engaging the lion and that is to avoid the lion because a lion will naturally die for lack of prey.
Her insatiable appetite for sex should be taken elsewhere and not your house. Please apply wisdom and do what is needful. May God keep your marriage.
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