Thanks so much for your wonderful and frank analysis here. I must commend your effort and I would appreciate if you can assist me with my relationship issue.
I clocked 34 this year and work in a firm where what I earn is about 250k but I am in a relationship with a lady that runs an auditing firm and her monthly take home is over a million. I am a bit worried that I may not be able to play the role of a bread winner with what I am earning and that is why I usually get upset when she comes up with our wedding plans because I am not sure I can handle such a lady as she may not be submissive in marriage.
I am thinking of ending the relationship because recently she changed her car into a car that cost her 3.5m and that got me further worried. Please I need your help before I take my final decision.
Kunle A. (Lagos)
I am trying to figure out what could be wrong with your relationship and the only thing I could make out of all you have said is summarized in one word ‘INSECURITY’.
It wasn’t difficult to decipher your map of the world from all you have stated and there are a few questions that readily comes to mind:
- Has she disrespected you in anyway?
- Would you have felt this way if you were the one earning more?
- Do you get intimidated by men who earn more than you or you are struggling to stand the fact that a woman earns more than you?
- Are you hardworking enough and do you see yourself increasing your value so that you can earn more?
- What are you consciously doing to earn more?
This lady may not be your problem but the patterns you have developed over time. I can hear from your unspoken words that:
- A man must always earn more than his wife – This is not totally correct because in marriage there is nothing called my money. In marriage the talk is about family economy where my money becomes our economy. And while culture insists that a man must earn more common sense is asking the man to check himself if he can provide true leadership because a wife needs a selfless leader not someone that lacks a sense of direction.
- I will become a laughing stock because she may be the one feeding me and she may capitalize on that to control me – This is your mind playing tricks on you based on what you have heard from others in times past. This lady is not in short of options and to have decided to marry you could also be a huge risk on her part but love is the bull dozer that levels the upper and the middle class. If she has not shown any tendency of controlling you I don’t see any problem. If you were not earning at all I would be worried but the problem is not a lack of earning; the problem is that she earns more than you and that shouldn’t come into play because team members don’t compete. And by the way who is laughing at you and where were you given that information? Who has been feeding you before now? So why slump into what should not depress you.
- I am intimidated by her standard of living – The question that readily comes to mind is in what other area are you intimidated? A car is a tool and a salary is what you earn in exchange for value. Why are you intimidated by what someone who is not in the same sector as you earns? And why should a transportation tool intimidate you? I think you need to work on yourself and outgrow a cultural mentality that never empowers because in sane countries a car is not a testimony; it is a tool and in clime with fantastic transportation system you may not really need a car. You can contact me so that we can work on your insecurity lest you become a miserable husband in marriage who may run her life down because of pettiness
It is not a lack of money that makes a woman disrespect a man; it is the man’s respect for himself and for the woman that makes her respect. If you are a valuable man no one would disrespect you.
However I must let you know that I respect and appreciate your mail because it is proof that you know something is wrong that you must fix.
HE WANTS ME TO GET PREGNANT BEFORE HE PROPOSES MARRIAGE
Please what I want is a straight answer because I have been dating this man for a while now and he is insisting until I become pregnant he would not propose marriage.
Please what should I do?
Please ask him if he wants a wife or what he wants is a baby or a baby manufacturing factory? Because I am trying to understand the correlation between a marriage proposal and pregnancy. It seems this guy feels he is doing you a favour and I am not totally sure he respects your person and your values. You might want to reconsider please lest you walk into a marital cage and call it a marriage.
There are 2 human beings in this relationship and there is no half human but it seems there is a quest to make a human victim out of one of the beings here and that must be resisted. And by the way what makes you think this man won’t dump you if you have any form of delay in child bearing? However, I think the man is doing the best he could with what he has learnt over time and while we may not be able to outrightly condemn him the power you have is to resist and reject his quest to reduce your humanity to a factory that manufactures babies.
Please think again and think deeply about this but if you were my sister it is a no no.
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