For the longest time, I thought money fights in marriage were just about the money. Maybe people needed a better budget. Maybe people should communicate more clearly about spending. Maybe, just maybe, if both tried harder, they’d stop clashing over finances.
But I’ve come to learn that money in marriage is rarely about numbers. It’s about needs. It’s about fear.
And most of all, it’s about attachment, the emotional blueprint we carry from childhood into our closest adult relationships.
You see, we all grow up learning specific unspoken rules about love and money. Maybe love felt conditional, based on what you could give or how you performed.
Maybe love felt distant, unpredictable, or even absent. And the ways we learned to survive those experiences to cope, protect, or perform became the emotional patterns we now bring into our marriages.
When a couple argues about money, they’re usually not arguing about the budget.
They’re arguing about what money means.
One partner might fear that not earning enough means they’re not lovable or worthy.
Another might view shared bank accounts as a threat to their independence.
Some partners panic at the mention of debt because it reminds them of the instability they knew growing up.
Others withdraw from financial conversations, not out of coldness, but out of fear that they’ll fail or be controlled.
These responses don’t come out of nowhere.
They come from attachment patterns, the internal stories we carry about closeness, conflict, trust, and dependence.
There’s the anxious partner, who needs constant reassurance and may spend impulsively just to feel valuable or seen.
There’s the avoidant partner, who craves independence and shuts down in money talks because being vulnerable feels risky.
Then there’s the fearful-avoidant partner, who swings between overgiving and pulling away, stuck in a tug-of-war between desire for connection and fear of being hurt.
And of course, there’s the secure partner, the one who views money as teamwork, who can navigate conflict calmly and sees budgeting as a shared mission, not a threat.
When we understand these patterns, something powerful happens: we begin to see each other with compassion instead of criticism.
You realise your partner isn’t being difficult on purpose; they’re protecting a wound.
You recognise your own triggers and the emotional stories that get activated every time you open the banking app or talk about bills.
And slowly, you start moving from blame to understanding.
This kind of emotional awareness transforms a marriage.
It turns budgeting from a battleground into a bridge.
It makes space for vulnerability, the kind where you can say, “Hey, money makes me feel afraid sometimes,” or, “I shut down because I’m scared I’ll disappoint you.”
And here’s the beautiful part: when love becomes safe, money becomes manageable.
Because when you feel like a team, when you know you’re secure and supported, even the hard conversations seem more manageable.
Even the spreadsheet becomes a sign of unity instead of a symbol of stress.
Healing your attachment isn’t just about feeling better in your relationship; it’s about changing your entire emotional legacy.
Secure couples raise children who feel safe around both love and money.
Children who don’t grow up associating wealth with fear, or conflict with chaos.
Children who won’t have to unlearn what you were brave enough to heal.
You may think you’re just trying to save more, spend less, or get on the same page financially.
But really, you’re doing something far more profound.
You’re rewriting the story of what love, trust, and provision look like in your family.
You’re turning emotional survival into emotional safety.
And that, more than any dollar amount, is true generational wealth.
Final Thought:
So if money has been a sore spot in your marriage lately, take a deep breath.
Ask yourself and each other not just, “What’s the plan?” but “What are we afraid of?”
The real healing begins when we stop fighting over the budget and start tending to the wounds beneath it.
Because in the end, marriage isn’t about perfect finances, it’s about a safe connection.
And once you have that, the rest can be built together.
If you’re ready to move from frustration to teamwork, from tension to trust, we’ve created tools to help you do so.
Visit marriageandmoney.com.ng to explore practical resources, conversation guides, and emotional tools designed to help you and your spouse understand each other and your money better.
Adetutu Afolabi is a Personal Freedom Coach helping families build wealth through aligned values and intentional living. She believes strong relationships are key to lasting financial freedom
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