BY TOBI YUSUF
Quarrel! I do not think anything drives people from the idea of getting married more than that word. The idea of going to bed angry and even devolving to not being on talking terms with the one you love for weeks terrifies a lot of people.
Yet, it is a key concept to making a marriage, or even any relationship at that, work. It is like a revealer of intentions; a pruner of relationships.
However, as important as this concept is, it must neither be glorified nor be rampant. It must never go beyond just a little while, as the Bible admonishes – do not let the sun go down on your anger.
How then should this concept be approached?
- With grace, as the title this week implies. I don’t know whether you have noticed that anything done with grace brings honour. You can hardly overdo or be impractical when grace is at work. As a matter of fact, grace is what makes royalties royal. The elegance and poise with which they carry themselves is what makes them attractive. We should therefore adopt the lifestyle of approaching our home and relationship with grace. And no, I do not suggest that we keep our mouth shut in the face of arguments and hurts. That isn’t always helpful. But the moment you choose to be kind and courteous even in the face of deep hurts and arguments that may even be weighty, grace is at work and love is definitely leading.
- Compliment rather than condemn: Remove the log in your eye before seeking to remove the speck in another’s is the Holy Book’s admonition. You can’t be loud, condemning and disrespectful and think your partner would listen actively, except, like you, they have decided to keep the scores of hurtful words and actions in order to boost their malice mood. We should always seek to communicate and not blame. Check the stats, oftentimes when we raise our voices, we are accusing. At that point, there is hardly any logic in our conversation and this should be avoided as much as possible because it is one of the leading causes of breakups, the word we abhor the most.
- Let love lead! Yes!!! When you put the fact that you are in love, honour and cherish with this person you are quarreling with, but are just having this tough conversation at the moment because you desire to move your relationship forward by educating each other on how to better manage things around you/the home, it lowers the chances of having a bad argument.
- Have that tough conversation early! By all means, have the tough conversations early and promptly. Delaying these conversations leads to brooding on them which further leads to resentment and score-keeping. When we emphasise that we correct in order to love right and not to victimise each other at the forefront of our minds always, our quarrels will turn into tools for pruning which would in turn lead to the massive growth in our love.
Till I come your way next time I remain Tobi Yusuf, the founder of RIAH Events and Weddings, a Relationship Mentor, and the Convener of Love Connect – a community empowering couples and singles to build meaningful connections.
Copyright 2025 TheCable. All rights reserved. This material, and other digital content on this website, may not be reproduced, published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed in whole or in part without prior express written permission from TheCable.
Follow us on twitter @Thecablestyle