BY TOBI YUSUF
‘Before I got married, I had hopes of being totally free. Free from the burdens of having to do it all by myself – cooking, funding, and even reasoning. The hope that someone would share all of these burdens was exhilarating. And then marriage came – a totally different ball game! No wonder they caution expecting too much of the institution!’
So lamented thirty-four-year-old Kirk, who had been married to Tracy, the love of his life, for over six years. The marriage looked happy, or so it seemed from the outside. Tracy was always glowing, always beautiful.
What was invisible to outsiders, and even to Tracy, was that Kirk was dying. The burden of being the breadwinner cum the emotionally stable and understanding one, had been chipping away at his once vibrant heart.
Now, he is a shadow of himself. Although he still tries to smile and act as if all is well, his joy is forced. But should this be?
Although marriage can be pleasant and joyous, what we find, however, is that many people, because of ego, the fear of losing their partners or of just being perceived as inadequate, go into overdrive. They keep pushing themselves, oftentimes too hard, just to measure up to what their partner, family, or even society expects of them, so much so that they forget to live for themselves.
They go about their daily routines acting well, but are mentally strained, and many times even on the brink of breakdown. Some get to a point, and they become resentful of the one they love. Others break beyond repair – they become victims of mental breakdown, terminal illnesses, or even death.
Contrary to what these people think, communicating would help them. They could sit their partners down and make them understand the emotional turmoil of having to carry everything. Better still, you both can get a therapist.
This will help you convey your emotions better and even give you boldness in cases where you think you may not be able to do it on your own or where your partner does not seem to understand you. More than just easing the hurt immediately, therapy offers the opportunity to explore several means to make your relationship whole again.
If you are in this position, I am sending you lots of hugs. That woman who works overtime, fending for the family because her partner is lazy, challenged, etc., and the man for whom the responsibility automatically falls because he is a man, I really want you to know that you are not alone. You are seen, loved, and respected. Just hold on a little bit longer, and even try therapy so that you do not lose the good thing that you have going on for you. Above all, stop killing yourself over what society might say. If tables were turned, they’d still be the same.
Till I come your way next time, I am Tobi Yusuf, the founder of RIAH Events and Weddings, a Relationship Mentor, and the Convener of Love Connect – a community empowering couples and singles to build meaningful connections.
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